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Rev. Brandon Teel

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Fuck You Friday No. 1, 2010 [08 Jan 2010|08:00am]
achewood
Achewood strip for Friday, January 8, 2010
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gesticulate: Dictionary.com Word of the Day [08 Jan 2010|12:00am]
dictionary_wotd
gesticulate: to make gestures or motions.

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#3851: EUROPEAN PORN STARS [08 Jan 2010|12:00am]
asciiartfarts
                                                                               
         -.            .      .-.                                              
              '       /      / ./                                              
       _  __,     .--'      / <                                                
      ~_-~ /     <         <   \_ .-~7                                         
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                                 __  . `              '-.__\\  - ' '--~|/   PWH
                                                                               
     DEAR LATEST ROUND OF PORN STARLETS FLOODING OUT OF EASTERN EUROPE,        
                                                                               
     I APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS BUT I HONESTLY CANNOT FUCKING TELL ANY          
     OF YOU APART ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR GENERIC FUCKING CHOICE OF NAMES         
                                                                               
     YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM A MATURE PORN INDUSTRY WITH GOOD,              
     WHOLESOME, DISTINCTIVE PORN STAR NAMES SUCH AS "CUNTESS," "TEASURE        
     CUNT," "ASIA," "STUPID FUCKING WHORE THAT WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE TIME       
     OF DAY IF I BUMPED INTO HER ON THE STREET SO THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO         
     STRANGLE THEM AND HIDE THEIR PARTS IN DIFFERENT TRASH CANS AROUND         
     THE CITY"                                                                 
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that one there [08 Jan 2010|09:41am]
jerkcity
jerkcity #4076
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Retronauts Episode 84 Looks Back at the Year(s) That Was [07 Jan 2010|11:43am]
tfrog

I guess if you do something regularly enough, it becomes a habit, or even a tradition -- although the truth of the matter is probably just that you're too lazy to come up with something more creative. So which is the case for Retronauts' third annual New Year's Look-Back episode? I leave that as an exercise for the listener to determine. Although I suppose the integrity of the production is rather called into question by the fact that I didn't take the time beforehand to make sure we're doing this look-back thing properly....

As in 2008 and 2009, Retronauts kicks off 2010 by doing the same "year-end retrospective" episode that every other podcast does. Except, of course, that we're not looking back at last year but rather at years long before -- 15, 20, even 35 years before, in fact. Unfortunately, I kind of screwed up in the planning and forgot that we're supposed to count back from the year that just ended, so instead of reviewing 1979, 1984, 1989, etc. we're talking about the following years instead: 1980, 1985, 1990. Whoops. This certainly makes a mess of things for next year's show!

Oh well. Barring the inconsistency in numbering, it's a pretty solid episode, if rather long. Download it now and listen! Fresh-faced Retronauts contributor Frank Cifaldi joins myself and stalwarts Ray Barnholt and Chris Kohler to skip across the surface of 35 years of videogame history, touching on the importance of time in five-year increments, beginning with 1975. Frank kind of put us to shame with his terrible habit of researching and being informed; hell, he even brought in a bunch of old magazines for us to look through. I have the whole dang EGM library in my office and have never bothered to do this. Honestly, he's making us look bad.

We also touch on recent retro DLC content and argue about stupid things that don't really matter before losing the conversational thread and going wildly off-topic. It's pretty much par for the course.

Music this week is taken from the recent DS remake of SaGa 2: Goddess of Destiny. As Final Fantasy Legend II, it was arguably the finest RPG released in the U.S. in 1990, which totally qualifies it for inclusion! Also, man, it's so good.

  • 0:01:04 - Introduction
  • 0:03:06 - Musical Interlude: "Future Quest"
  • 0:04:07 - News recap | Wing Commander IV, Pilotwings, Final Fight 3, Castlevania: The Adventure ReBirth
  • 0:23:42 - Musical Interlude: "Lethal Strike"
  • 0:24:27 - 1975 in Memoriam
  • 0:32:19 - Musical Interlude: "The Legend Begins"
  • 0:33:16 - 1980 in Memoriam
  • 0:46:12 - Musical Interlude: "To the Mystical World"
  • 0:47:11 - 1985 in Memoriam
  • 0:57:17 - Musical Interlude: "Theme of the New God"
  • 0:58:15 - 1990 in Memoriam
  • 1:26:08 - Musical Interlude: "At the End of the Struggle"
  • 1:27:08 - 1995 in Memoriam
  • 1:48:17 - Musical Interlude: "Save the World"
  • 1:49:15 - Wrap-up
If you'd like, you can also check out our previous New Year's Look-Back episodes. Then, you can laugh at me for blithely talking like we'd already covered the years ending in 4 and 9, even though we totally haven't. Ha. Ha. Laugh it up, jerk. (Jan. 2009's Episode 62 | Jan. 2008's Episode 34

I'm kind of surprised to realize that it's been exactly 50 episodes since our Jan. 2008 years-in-review. That means we've actually managed to average out our release schedule to a very nearly biweekly format. You know, on average. Just ignore those occasional three-month gaps. Next time: Probably something about Data East, given that there's a Data East compilation due soon. And maybe we'll talk about DataWest, too, if you're a very nice boy and eat your vegetables.

Pong image from GameConsoles.com
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to compare, we humans have only done like 1/1250th of a galactic orbit since we first evolved: dinos [07 Jan 2010|06:21am]
dinosaurcomics
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January 7th, 2010: John "Pictures for Sad Children" Campbell is doing hourly comics again! Every hour he does a short two-panel comic about that hour, and he's doing it ALL MONTH. They're great even if you're not stalking John Campbell!

– Ryan

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Roomba Cinema Presents James Cameron's Avatar. [07 Jan 2010|08:00am]
achewood
Achewood strip for Thursday, January 7, 2010
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#3850: LONDON KEYS [07 Jan 2010|12:00am]
asciiartfarts
        ..                                                         
       "$ber    LONDON KEYS IS GOING DOWN / GOING DOWN / GOING DOWN
       =3$$c.                                                      
 czd$$%   *$$c.                                                    
.e$$$P  -ee$$$$..                                                  
"""     ^"*$$$$$C                                                  
        "" "      *.Gilo94'                                        
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line noise [07 Jan 2010|09:37am]
jerkcity
jerkcity #4075
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quotidian: Dictionary.com Word of the Day [07 Jan 2010|12:00am]
dictionary_wotd
quotidian: occurring daily; also, ordinary.

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Presented By: [07 Jan 2010|12:00am]
dictionary_wotd
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Retronautsploration: The Street Fighter 2010 Verdict [06 Jan 2010|06:00pm]
tfrog
I wasn't really sure what to expect from Street Fighter 2010 when I vowed to play it for the first time on New Year's Day... but whatever it was I may have expected, it certainly bore no resemblance to the reality of the game. Based on screenshots, SF2010 looked like a chunky kind of platformer in the Ninja Gaiden style. In practice, SF2010 is almost (but not completely) unlike any other NES sidescroller ever.

It's a weird game. It was almost revolutionary, and it was absolutely ambitious. SF2010 appears to have been developed by a company called STATUS, a company about which I can find no concrete information whatsoever. Even the GDRI makes no mention of STATUS, and those guys revel in digging up dirt on the companies that secretly created the NES games we've always attributed to monolithic publishers. Whoever STATUS was, they clearly had big hopes for SF2010, but their heroic efforts were deflated by a combination of clunky design and the crushing limitations of the hardware.

Playing SF2010, I can actually see where the "Street Fighter" connection comes in. Right from the start, the game is centered around one-on-one battles in limited arenas... but these aren't your typical fighting game confrontations. On the contrary, SF2010's brawler faceoffs are more like the boss battles of an 8-bit platformer, but they're even more energetic. Many of the arenas scroll along one axis, sometimes two. Sometimes there are environmental hazards. Sometimes the bad guy is accompanied by assistant characters. Sometimes you have to play through a side-scrolling stage that could have been ripped from some generic NES action platformer before you can initiate the battle. It's pretty nuts! Every encounter has its own flavor.

Even more impressive is the way Ken controls. (Yes, that's "Ken" as in "Ken Masters" from Street Fighter -- although he was called Kevin in the Japanese version, so Capcom USA apparently figured they could strengthen the game's connection to the original Street Fighter by dropping a couple of letters and writing off Ken's longevity as a side-effect of cybernetic implants.) I'd go so far as to say Ken has more intricate controls than any other character on NES; to be honest, the way he moves and the things he can do feel more like they should belong to a Treasure game. They're complex and require a lot of effort to master, but he can do so much

Heck, if someone told me this was a rough prototype for Gunstar Heroes, I'd absolutely believe it. There are a lot of design ideas that feel right at place in the Treasure oeuvre here: An emphasis on highly flexible but extremely technical controls, a clear love for boss battles, and a brutal difficulty level. And the game really looks good, too -- the animation's a little stiff, but both sprites and backgrounds are detailed and varied.

And yet, despite everything going for it, SF2010 is pretty much the opposite of fun. One could charitably attribute this to the limitations of the NES; after all, no one else would pull off this kind of gameplay until Gunstar Heroes, which is widely regarded as pushing the Genesis to the ragged edge of its potential. No way could a game like that be crammed into the NES. But that's probably being too kind. SF2010 has a lot of problems that could have been avoided with a bit more 8-bit design consideration. Take, for instance, the fact that actually hitting anything with Ken's repertoire of enhanced melee attacks is a monumental task in and of itself; his punches launch short-range projectiles, but they're extremely narrow and seem to have a magical ability to miss bad guys. It's nice that you can do a backflip, but it mostly just makes you vulnerable. Enemies are fast and aggressive, and have a knack for moving outside of your tiny hit box right as you wind up for the attack. It doesn't help that there are some genuinely weird design decisions, like the way pressing down causes Ken to attack at an upward angle rather than down. And there's no learning curve at all: The first battle is considerably more difficult than the next few, dropping you into a big arena against a tough, evasive foe. And if you do manage to beat that first foe, you have ten seconds to make your way to the exit portal or you lose anyway. (The first time I won, the portal appeared well off the screen and I had no idea why my character keeled over dead.)

SF2010 is the furthest thing from what I would regard as "fun" -- and yet, I can't bring myself to hate it. There's a certain old-school Capcom charm about it, from the excellent music to the distinctive character proportions (which are highly redolent of Capcom's mid'-80s arcade output -- Ghosts 'N Goblins, Bionic Commando, that sort of thing). And I also admire what STATUS was trying to accomplish with the game, even if they flew wide of the mark. Truth be told, Ken's move set is a lot more reminiscent of the arcade Strider than the NES Strider was. If the game around him hadn't been so unforgiving, and if his controls were a bit less awkward, SF2010 actually could have been a classic. If nothing else, it's an interesting attempt to evolve the nascent fighting game genre before the real Street Fighter sequel laid down the more popular template a year later. The spirit of SF2010 lives on in offbeat takes on arena fighting, like Cannon Spike and Power Stone. Hey, those are Capcom games, too! What a co-inky-dink.

Anyway, the verdict: Street Fighter 2010 isn't good, but it fails in an interesting way. And that makes it worth playing, if only to experience such an enigma of a game! Now I need to figure out just who the heck STATUS was.

Images courtesy of VG Museum
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[06 Jan 2010|03:01pm]

doukutsu

[obonic]
Is Cavestory ever going to come out for WiiWare? :(
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9 in '09, number three: Dragon Quest IX [06 Jan 2010|12:07pm]
tfrog

OK, look, I swear this is going to be the last not-yet-available-in-the-U.S. title I include in my 2009 favorites.

Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Sky
[tentative trademarked title, albeit acceptably alliterative]
Level 5/Square Enix | Nintendo DS | RPG | Tiny evolutionary footsteps

I didn't mean to get hooked on Dragon Quest IX, but as it stands my game clock currently shows more than 60 hours invested in the game. And it would be a heck of a lot more if I had spent more time in Tokyo with the game set to passerby communication mode, because it's seriously a fantastic addition to the game that, if done right, will totally force me to spend a few hundred hours with the U.S. game. The core game itself isn't too bad, either -- a bit on the easy side, though. I remember a lot of pre-release developer hype about how this would be the hardest Dragon Quest ever, but the opposite has been my experience. I'm on my way to collect the last of seven magical plot MacGuffins, and my only defeats have come at the hands of bonus bosses I downloaded over Nintendo's WFC. And I haven't even gone through the goofily baroque requirements to earn the locked job classes! I've been playing like a bum, and I'm still cakewalking through the adventure.

That was initially disappointing to me until I tested the passive communication feature in Tokyo and discovered that the real point of DQIX isn't the almost-nonexistent story or fairly rote main quest. That stuff is basically just the primer; DQIX shines in its post-game content.

The game also helped enlighten me as to the appeal of loot-centric games such as Diablo and Monster Hunter. DQIX gives players a party of four warriors, all totally customizable from the Akira Toriyama Big Book of DragonBall Templates, and every bit of gear you equip shows up on your warriors. And you can create a ridiculous amount of gear through alchemy, based on loot drops. By this point in the game, I've found much better equipment than a helmet that looks like a blue Slime, but by god there's no way I'm having my partisan-wielding warrior swap out her Slime helmet for something more mundane.

(I did upgrade my female characters to real trousers as soon as something more durable than the obligatory battle panties became available, though.)

I dunno, DQIX is simply addictive, especially once you factor in the weekly downloads and the communication features and such. And while it's not exactly a technological tour de force, it's just advanced enough over its predecessors (besides Dragon Quest VIII, obviously) to make the DS remakes feel a bit pokier and more dated than they did before I'd played DQIX. Anyway, I've played a stupid amount of this game in a language I only halfway understand, and if Nintendo and Square Enix make smart localization choices -- which is going to be tricky, given that so much of what makes DQIX interesting is specifically geared toward the Japanese market -- I can foresee it becoming a tiny monster over here, too. Anyway, here's hoping the U.S. version shows up sooner than later, and that it manages to translate this semi-multiplayer style that Japan loves so much into something Americans can sink their teeth into as well.

(Mainly, I want DQIX to arrive before PAX this fall so I can sneak away from our booth and hang out in the handheld lounge.)

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i got a postcard from a reader in antarctica a few years back, it remains a treasured possession and [06 Jan 2010|05:03am]
dinosaurcomics
archive - contact - sexy exciting merchandise - search - about
← previousJanuary 6th, 2010next

January 6th, 2010: John "Pictures for Sad Children" Campbell is doing hourly comics again! Every hour he does a short two-panel comic about that hour, and he's doing it ALL MONTH. They're great even if you're not stalking John Campbell!

– Ryan

7 comments|post comment

#3849: 2K10 [06 Jan 2010|12:00am]
asciiartfarts
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  `-._       (`- `-._`-.`                                         
                           WELL IT'S A NEW YEAR AND I'M           
                          GOING TO WRITE IT AS "2K10"             
                                                                  
                         NOT EVEN SAVING A FUCKING                
                        CHARACTER ANYMORE LIKE A CUNTBALL         
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a/s/l [06 Jan 2010|09:10am]
jerkcity
jerkcity #4074
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flibbertigibbet: Dictionary.com Word of the Day [06 Jan 2010|12:00am]
dictionary_wotd
flibbertigibbet: a silly, flighty, or excessively talkative person.

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Homemade Balrog Soft-Toy and Cave Story Tee [06 Jan 2010|06:23pm]

doukutsu

[mighty183]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | MC Lars ]

Yo, guys, for my birthday 3? years ago my sister made me a Balrog soft toy. It's made from a block of sponge covered in material with limbs sewed on. So I guess it's kind of like a pillow/cushion. Finally got around for uploading pics for you guys.

Front View

Back View View with legs visible Top View

Also here's a pic of a t-shirt I made and ordered from Zazzle:


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2009's Finest: In Praise of the ODST OST [05 Jan 2010|12:19pm]
tfrog
Allow me to let you in on a little secret: The Halo 3: ODST soundtrack is the real reason the Chiptuned blog exists. We've been writing about game music on and off for the past year in the Retronauts blog, and for the most part that worked out just fine. But ODST had, in my opinion, the single finest videogame soundtrack of 2009 -- but it wasn't exactly retro, you know? Thus we launched Chiptuned in large part so I could write the review you're reading right now. This music is that good.

When people talk about their favorite videogame music, they tend to focus on older tunes, the music of the 8- or 16- or 32-bit eras. That's because older game music sticks in the mind due to its simple, melodic, repetitious nature. Modern game music, on the other hands, tends to play the role of sonic texture: It lends atmosphere to the moment-by-moment game experience, but rarely holds up outside the context of the gameplay. 

There are exceptions, though, and the work Marty O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori have done with the Halo series is one of them. When you think of Halo, you probably can't help but hear the iconic drum-and-guitar-driven "Rock Anthem for Saving the World" in your head -- it's catchy, it's memorable, and it pretty much embodies the entire concept of a first-person shooter in a few intense rock licks. The Halo trilogy soundtracks are packed with, "Oh, I remember that" moments, phrases of music that so perfectly fit the action that you can visualize the corresponding scene in your head. It's an especially impressive accomplishment given the procedural nature of the music; the series' soundtrack albums don't strictly represent the music you hear in the games, since so much of Halo's music is generated on the fly from a library of loops according to context. Even so, both the flavor and tunes incorporated into these dynamic remixes is always both appropriate and memorable.

O'Donnell and Salvatori have outdone themselves with ODST, a soundtrack that manages to be every bit as memorable as any previous chapter in the series while scrupulously avoiding the themes, phrases, and even instrumentation that have come to be associated with the franchise. Not only do the familiar stings and riffs of the dominant Halo melodies never once put in an appearance, there's barely even a hint of electric guitar. The FPS is pretty much the rock 'n roll of videogames, and it's tough to rock without a lead guitar... but somehow, ODST manages it. In fact, guitars only take a dominant role twice -- in the tracks "Traffic Jam" and "Skyline" -- and in both instances it's still more of an accompaniment than a lead. Interestingly, "Skyline" is the only track on the album that fades out rather than ending conclusively, almost as if it's embarrassed by its reliance on something so mundane as a guitar riff and quietly tries to back out of the room in the hopes no one notices how out of place it sounds.


Rather than going for the usual "big damn heroes" sound of the previous Halo games, O'Donnell and Salvatori instead went with what they (somewhat self-mockingly) refer to as "smoky jazz." Much of ODST centers around an open-ended search through darkened city streets in a quest to track down the main character's missing comrades, and the composers elected to style the Rookie's themes after noir detective films. And it works, brilliantly. The pacing of the Rookie's segments of the game tends to be slow and tense as you evade Covenant patrols and plan routes around sniper posts, and it's punctuated by discoveries that reveal ever more of the story. It's laden with atmosphere, much of it courtesy of the sedate music. This could be the only FPS ever to feature an oboe (or is it tenor sax? I dunno, I'm not a band nerd) and piano as its lead instruments. It's unconventional, but it works.

And it fits the story, too. ODST doesn't cast the player as the series' leading man, the Master Chief, and you're not saving the universe. You're a bit player in the Halo saga, and you're a demonstrably less impressive warrior than the Chief. You don't get to have a heroic anthem, because you're just some anonymous grunt struggling to salvage a mission gone FUBAR out on the front lines.

Still, like the game itself, the ODST soundtrack isn't all smoky jazz licks and mellow piano. The Rookie's hub world leads into a number of vignettes, and each of these is accompanied by music that better fits the corresponding level. For instance, Adam Baldwin's character, Dutch, is a roughneck whose vignette revolves around driving a Warthog AWD through a veldt-like reserve in the African countryside, blowing the crap out of enemy artillery. Fittingly, the soundtrack for that particular mission is intense, heavy on the percussion and deep strings. "More Than His Share," on the other hand, accompanies Nathan Fillion's world-weary Buck during his first mission, a stealthy fight through the city streets, and is a quieter tune with thematic callbacks to similar stages in previous Halo games.

Nevertheless, it's the Rookie's portions that really stand out: Melancholy tunes that should be painfully out of place in an FPS soundtrack, yet which fit beautifully. A good game soundtrack should perfectly complement the action; a great soundtrack sticks with you afterwards. Halo 3: ODST's does both. Sure, it has its forgettable moments, but its highlights are a big part of why ODST was one of my favorite games last year.
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